我心里的大象

　　英文有句谚语是这麽说的：「房间里有一只大象」，用来比喻一个存在已久的老问题，就像体型笨重的大象一样，因为处理起来太过棘手或复杂，所以没有人愿意主动提起或设法解决。我的家里也存在着一只看不见的大象，而那只大象最後住进了我的心里，并且住了一段非常漫长的时间，最终还影响到我与父亲之间的关系。
　

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　　华人社会普遍存在着重男轻女的观念，我的父亲也不例外。在我很小的时候，父亲已是一位忙碌且经常不在家的商人，即使他在家，大多时候也只陪伴在大哥身旁。撇开父亲的偏心不说，直到现在我闭上眼睛，彷佛还能清楚看见那个星期天的下午，我的父亲牵着我的手去小公园玩，我们一起吃了冰淇淋，我还记得那是草莓口味的。那个星期天的下午也是我一生中最美好的时光。

　　时光荏苒，转眼间我来到二十岁，同时也取得几所英国研究所的入学许可。当我还沉浸在无比兴奋的情绪里，却在一个不成眠的夜晚，无意间听见了父亲与母亲的谈话：「儿子目前已在纽约念书，你也知道纽约的物价有多高，但公司最近生意清淡，我不确定现在是否适合让皇仪去英国念书……」

　　父亲的话犹如晴天霹雳般重创我的心房，我瞬间变得愤怒且充满怨恨，於是直接闯入他们的房内，并对父亲大声咆哮：「难道我是领养来的吗？为什麽哥哥总是比我优先？我的学业对你来说一点都不重要吗？原来我在你心里……什麽都不是……」

　　我重重地摔了门後，便回到自己的房间，独自饮泣至天明。

　　自从那个晚上之後，那只大象完全掌控了我的心。尽管後来我仍如期去了英国念书，但我和父亲之间的「静默」却永远存在。这份未解的心结一直纠缠着我到四十岁，直到去年因缘际会参加了一个心灵工作坊後，我才下定决心正视心中的那只大象，於是鼓起勇气去找父亲恳谈。

　　坐在父亲的书房里，当时的气氛沉寂又有些尴尬，我深深地吸了一口气後，对父亲说：「父亲，我一直很想知道，我这个女儿对您来说重要吗？」

　　父亲一开始并没有回答，他只是起身走向保险箱，从里面取出一个大信封後，转身递给我。

　　接过信封时，我心跳加速，双手也不停地颤抖。当我打开信封，发现里面装的是一綑信件。我取出其中一封，瞄了一眼，映入眼帘的字迹有些熟悉，当我再细看了信件的内容，信件的第一行上写着：「母亲，我已在英国安顿下来了……」

　　突然间，我忆起这些都是当年我在英国写给母亲的家书，但此刻的我也极其困惑，因为这些信明明是写给母亲的。

　　此时父亲才开口对我说：「皇仪啊，我这一生拥有很多值得珍惜的东西，你的信件绝对是其中之一。当年每当你母亲读完你的来信後，我便悄悄拿过来看，并且把每一封信保留下来。对一个父亲而言，能知道自己的小女儿在遥远英国求学的生活点滴，是一件多麽令人安慰的事啊！」

　　就在那个瞬间，我才恍然大悟，原来是我的爸爸收藏了我的信，而且一收藏就是二十年，他还把那些信当成是他的宝贝。我的双眼马上热泪盈眶，但那些泪水是喜悦的眼泪，因为我终於找到寻寻觅觅这麽多年的答案——我的父亲原来是那样地爱我。

　　你猜怎麽了？那只大象瞬间消失於无形，而且牠再也没有回来过。现在我经常跟我的父亲一起去小公园散步，同样一起吃冰淇淋，仍旧是我最爱的草莓口味。我终於拥有了专属的父女时光。

　　亲爱的朋友啊，你的心里是否也住着一只大象呢？那只大象代表着你在工作上的困境？还是难解的家庭纷争？大象可以是任何一个你不想面对问题的表徵。我和我的大象纠缠超过二十年，我知道那是一种怎样的感受。岁月总是无情，我父亲今年快要七十岁了，你们看看过去的我是多麽不智啊！竟然让那只愚笨的大象偷走了二十年的父女情。所以请各位千万不要让内心的恐惧或骄傲影响了我们与挚爱的人之间的关系。释放你心中的大象（或任何囚禁你心灵的枷锁），才能有更多空间去拥抱人世间更美好的事物！

附注：
1. 此篇演讲入选Toastmasters International 2018上半年北区Area Contest英文演讲比赛第二名（原文讲稿请参照远东人月刊官网），同时也将此份荣誉献给我的父亲。
2. Toastmasters International为一个非营利性质国际演讲组织，总部设於美国，全世界共有15,400个分会，目前台湾已成立近180个分会，台北远企分会（Taipei Metro Toastmasters Club）即是其中之一。台北远企分会由远鼎（股）公司熊棣华副总及董事长室投资顾问Neal Stovicek二位高阶主管大力推动而成，至今已届满十年，目前固定於每月第二及第四个星期四中午12:05～13:30集会（假远企大楼36楼第一会议室），正式会员里，有多位是英文母语人士及ABC，欢迎想增进英语口说能力的同仁加入我们的行列，集会席间提供免费午餐。有兴趣参加者请洽：江皇仪02-2733-8000#8354 /florence.chiang@acc.com.tw。
3. 另，远东商银旗下亦成立三个分会（FEIB Senior Office Club, Young-Bankers, Ferina），有兴趣参加者请洽:朱悦祥cherylchu@feib.com.tw。
4. 在此特别致谢远东新世纪秘书处长期出借会议室予远企分会。＃

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An Elephant in My Heart

As you know, when we say there is an elephant in the room, it means there is an issue which is so obvious, but no one wants to talk about it. In my family, there was an elephant too and that elephant ended up living in my heart for a long time, perhaps way too long. It was getting in the way of my relationship—my relationship with my father.

In Asian culture, it is common for fathers to favor their sons over their daughters and my father was no exception. When I was little, my father was a business man so he was seldom at home. Even when he was, he spent most of the time with my brother Ethan. Despite this favoritism, I remember vividly that when I close my eyes I can almost see that Sunday afternoon when my father took me to the park and we had ice cream together (strawberry one as I can recall). That was the best time in my life.

As time went by so quickly, I turned my early twenty in 1995. I was accepted by several universities in the UK and that made me pretty excited until one night. I wasn’t sleeping well and I overheard my father talking to my mom:

“Our boy Ethan is studying in New York now. You know how expensive New York is and our business is pretty slow these days. I’m not sure if it is a good time for our Florence to go to England now.”

Oh…No…I was completely devastated when I heard that. I became angry and resentful. I barged through the door and yelled at my father:

“Was I adopted? Ethan always comes first before me. Why? My study doesn’t mean anything to you? I am nothing to you.” 

I slammed the door and went back to my room cried the whole night. That elephant took over ever since.

Although I did go to the UK as planned, the “silence” between my father and I was always there. This unsettling emotion has continued to haunt me even when I reached my early forty until last year. I went to a “how to” workshop and it occurred to me – I have to deal with my elephant before it’s too late. I worked up the courage to talk to my father. I sat down in his library and there was an awkward silence. I took a breath and asked:

“Father, I’ve always wanted to know if I am important to you.”

My father didn’t say anything. He just stood up and went to the safe, opened it and then handed an envelope to me. My heart was pounding so fast and my hands were shivering while I opened it. There was a bunch of letters! I took one and had a close look. Wait a minute! This looks so familiar and it begins with: Dear Mom… I’ve settled in the UK... Oh! I figured I wrote these letters to my mom more than twenty years ago. I was so confused (because they were supposed to my mom).

Then my father spoke:
“Florence, I treasure a lot of things in my life and this is definitely one of them. I read and collected every letter after your mom read them. It was comforting to know my little girl was doing well in England.”

At that moment, I realized my papa is the one who kept all my letters for all those years and he treasures them. My eyes were full of tears, but those tears were tears of joy, because I found the answer I’ve been searching for so many years and that is—my father does love me.

Guess what? That elephant disappeared and it never came back

Now, I often take a walk in the park with my dad (enjoying ice cream too, strawberry one still). We finally have some father-daughter time together.

My dear friends! Do you have an elephant in your heart too? Is it about your work? Is it about your family? It could be anything you don’t want to face. I’ve lived with my elephant more than twenty years; I understand how that feels. Time is not on our side. My father is almost seventy years old. Look how foolish I was! Twenty years stolen by that stupid elephant. Can you imagine? So, please don’t let the fear or pride get in the way of the relationship with our loved ones. Let go of elephants or whatever it is, we will be able to make more room in our heart to embrace other good things in our lives. ＃