我心裡的大象

　　英文有句諺語是這麼說的：「房間裏有一隻大象」，用來比喻一個存在已久的老問題，就像體型笨重的大象一樣，因為處理起來太過棘手或複雜，所以沒有人願意主動提起或設法解決。我的家裡也存在著一隻看不見的大象，而那隻大象最後住進了我的心裡，並且住了一段非常漫長的時間，最終還影響到我與父親之間的關係。
　

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　　華人社會普遍存在著重男輕女的觀念，我的父親也不例外。在我很小的時候，父親已是一位忙碌且經常不在家的商人，即使他在家，大多時候也只陪伴在大哥身旁。撇開父親的偏心不說，直到現在我閉上眼睛，彷彿還能清楚看見那個星期天的下午，我的父親牽著我的手去小公園玩，我們一起吃了冰淇淋，我還記得那是草莓口味的。那個星期天的下午也是我一生中最美好的時光。

　　時光荏苒，轉眼間我來到二十歲，同時也取得幾所英國研究所的入學許可。當我還沉浸在無比興奮的情緒裡，卻在一個不成眠的夜晚，無意間聽見了父親與母親的談話：「兒子目前已在紐約唸書，你也知道紐約的物價有多高，但公司最近生意清淡，我不確定現在是否適合讓皇儀去英國唸書……」

　　父親的話猶如晴天霹靂般重創我的心房，我瞬間變得憤怒且充滿怨恨，於是直接闖入他們的房內，並對父親大聲咆哮：「難道我是領養來的嗎？為什麼哥哥總是比我優先？我的學業對你來說一點都不重要嗎？原來我在你心裡……什麼都不是……」

　　我重重地摔了門後，便回到自己的房間，獨自飲泣至天明。

　　自從那個晚上之後，那隻大象完全掌控了我的心。儘管後來我仍如期去了英國唸書，但我和父親之間的「靜默」卻永遠存在。這份未解的心結一直糾纏著我到四十歲，直到去年因緣際會參加了一個心靈工作坊後，我才下定決心正視心中的那隻大象，於是鼓起勇氣去找父親懇談。

　　坐在父親的書房裡，當時的氣氛沉寂又有些尷尬，我深深地吸了一口氣後，對父親說：「父親，我一直很想知道，我這個女兒對您來說重要嗎？」

　　父親一開始並沒有回答，他只是起身走向保險箱，從裡面取出一個大信封後，轉身遞給我。

　　接過信封時，我心跳加速，雙手也不停地顫抖。當我打開信封，發現裡面裝的是一綑信件。我取出其中一封，瞄了一眼，映入眼簾的字跡有些熟悉，當我再細看了信件的內容，信件的第一行上寫著：「母親，我已在英國安頓下來了……」

　　突然間，我憶起這些都是當年我在英國寫給母親的家書，但此刻的我也極其困惑，因為這些信明明是寫給母親的。

　　此時父親才開口對我說：「皇儀啊，我這一生擁有很多值得珍惜的東西，妳的信件絕對是其中之一。當年每當妳母親讀完妳的來信後，我便悄悄拿過來看，並且把每一封信保留下來。對一個父親而言，能知道自己的小女兒在遙遠英國求學的生活點滴，是一件多麼令人安慰的事啊！」

　　就在那個瞬間，我才恍然大悟，原來是我的爸爸收藏了我的信，而且一收藏就是二十年，他還把那些信當成是他的寶貝。我的雙眼馬上熱淚盈眶，但那些淚水是喜悅的眼淚，因為我終於找到尋尋覓覓這麼多年的答案——我的父親原來是那樣地愛我。

　　你猜怎麼了？那隻大象瞬間消失於無形，而且牠再也沒有回來過。現在我經常跟我的父親一起去小公園散步，同樣一起吃冰淇淋，仍舊是我最愛的草莓口味。我終於擁有了專屬的父女時光。

　　親愛的朋友啊，你的心裡是否也住著一隻大象呢？那隻大象代表著你在工作上的困境？還是難解的家庭紛爭？大象可以是任何一個你不想面對問題的表徵。我和我的大象糾纏超過二十年，我知道那是一種怎樣的感受。歲月總是無情，我父親今年快要七十歲了，你們看看過去的我是多麼不智啊！竟然讓那隻愚笨的大象偷走了二十年的父女情。所以請各位千萬不要讓內心的恐懼或驕傲影響了我們與摯愛的人之間的關係。釋放你心中的大象（或任何囚禁你心靈的枷鎖），才能有更多空間去擁抱人世間更美好的事物！

附註：
1. 此篇演講入選Toastmasters International 2018上半年北區Area Contest英文演講比賽第二名（原文講稿請參照遠東人月刊官網），同時也將此份榮譽獻給我的父親。
2. Toastmasters International為一個非營利性質國際演講組織，總部設於美國，全世界共有15,400個分會，目前臺灣已成立近180個分會，臺北遠企分會（Taipei Metro Toastmasters Club）即是其中之一。臺北遠企分會由遠鼎（股）公司熊棣華副總及董事長室投資顧問Neal Stovicek二位高階主管大力推動而成，至今已屆滿十年，目前固定於每月第二及第四個星期四中午12:05～13:30集會（假遠企大樓36樓第一會議室），正式會員裡，有多位是英文母語人士及ABC，歡迎想增進英語口說能力的同仁加入我們的行列，集會席間提供免費午餐。有興趣參加者請洽：江皇儀02-2733-8000#8354 /florence.chiang@acc.com.tw。
3. 另，遠東商銀旗下亦成立三個分會（FEIB Senior Office Club, Young-Bankers, Ferina），有興趣參加者請洽:朱悅祥cherylchu@feib.com.tw。
4. 在此特別致謝遠東新世紀秘書處長期出借會議室予遠企分會。＃

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An Elephant in My Heart

As you know, when we say there is an elephant in the room, it means there is an issue which is so obvious, but no one wants to talk about it. In my family, there was an elephant too and that elephant ended up living in my heart for a long time, perhaps way too long. It was getting in the way of my relationship—my relationship with my father.

In Asian culture, it is common for fathers to favor their sons over their daughters and my father was no exception. When I was little, my father was a business man so he was seldom at home. Even when he was, he spent most of the time with my brother Ethan. Despite this favoritism, I remember vividly that when I close my eyes I can almost see that Sunday afternoon when my father took me to the park and we had ice cream together (strawberry one as I can recall). That was the best time in my life.

As time went by so quickly, I turned my early twenty in 1995. I was accepted by several universities in the UK and that made me pretty excited until one night. I wasn’t sleeping well and I overheard my father talking to my mom:

“Our boy Ethan is studying in New York now. You know how expensive New York is and our business is pretty slow these days. I’m not sure if it is a good time for our Florence to go to England now.”

Oh…No…I was completely devastated when I heard that. I became angry and resentful. I barged through the door and yelled at my father:

“Was I adopted? Ethan always comes first before me. Why? My study doesn’t mean anything to you? I am nothing to you.” 

I slammed the door and went back to my room cried the whole night. That elephant took over ever since.

Although I did go to the UK as planned, the “silence” between my father and I was always there. This unsettling emotion has continued to haunt me even when I reached my early forty until last year. I went to a “how to” workshop and it occurred to me – I have to deal with my elephant before it’s too late. I worked up the courage to talk to my father. I sat down in his library and there was an awkward silence. I took a breath and asked:

“Father, I’ve always wanted to know if I am important to you.”

My father didn’t say anything. He just stood up and went to the safe, opened it and then handed an envelope to me. My heart was pounding so fast and my hands were shivering while I opened it. There was a bunch of letters! I took one and had a close look. Wait a minute! This looks so familiar and it begins with: Dear Mom… I’ve settled in the UK... Oh! I figured I wrote these letters to my mom more than twenty years ago. I was so confused (because they were supposed to my mom).

Then my father spoke:
“Florence, I treasure a lot of things in my life and this is definitely one of them. I read and collected every letter after your mom read them. It was comforting to know my little girl was doing well in England.”

At that moment, I realized my papa is the one who kept all my letters for all those years and he treasures them. My eyes were full of tears, but those tears were tears of joy, because I found the answer I’ve been searching for so many years and that is—my father does love me.

Guess what? That elephant disappeared and it never came back

Now, I often take a walk in the park with my dad (enjoying ice cream too, strawberry one still). We finally have some father-daughter time together.

My dear friends! Do you have an elephant in your heart too? Is it about your work? Is it about your family? It could be anything you don’t want to face. I’ve lived with my elephant more than twenty years; I understand how that feels. Time is not on our side. My father is almost seventy years old. Look how foolish I was! Twenty years stolen by that stupid elephant. Can you imagine? So, please don’t let the fear or pride get in the way of the relationship with our loved ones. Let go of elephants or whatever it is, we will be able to make more room in our heart to embrace other good things in our lives. ＃